[Join the conversation on Facebook]
I have been working on a project that is fun and sarcastic and satirical… the first one I dropped got a lot of love so check out my next genius and comical idea….
HEAR ME OUT!
Hear me out: Common Sense Solutions for Boston
A Tale of Two Cities… err states
By Jamarhl Crawford
A Tale of Two Cities (or, More Accurately, Two States)
Back when the migrant crisis was just beginning, Republican Governors started shipping human immigrants from their pure territories “up north” to so-called sanctuary cities like New York and Boston.
Well I have a proposal that is a common sense solution for two regions and might just work for everybody. Ok… hear me out.
In my Salt-n-Pepa voice “Let’s talk about Rats babee.” I’m not talking about the two-legged kind, though I can understand how that might seem tempting to discuss right now. No, I’m talking about the real kind—the four-legged, tail-waving, trash-rummaging kind.
As you know, Boston has a serious rat problem. And by “serious,” I mean, we’re one step away from a Rat-apocalypse. These furry little invaders have been infiltrating our city like they own the place. But, lucky for us, Boston’s finest held a “Rat Summit” to come up with a solution—a solution that includes dry ice, dogs, and an aggressively urban version of “Seek and Destroy.” It’s called the Boston Rodent Action Plan (BRAP).
Fear not, fellow Bostonians! In tragedy lies opportunity—and, folks, I believe we have an opportunity to work together with our Republican Governor of Florida. The solution is simple.
SEND US YOUR PYTHONS!
You may have heard that Florida, that ever-sunny haven of all things bizarre, has been fighting its own battle. A battle against an invasion of Burmese Pythons. Yes, you read that right—snakes. These slithering invaders are overrunning the Everglades, snacking on small mammals like they’re a buffet. These pythons are thriving in the humid, hot climate of Florida—much like rats, which, coincidentally, also thrive in humid, hot climates.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: What does this have to do with Boston and its rat problem? Well, sit tight, because I’m about to blow your mind with a solution that’s as elegant as it is dangerous.
The Boston-Python Exchange Program: A Bold, But Mostly Common-Sense Idea
What if we, as a people, could solve not one but TWO major problems with one stroke of genius? I propose that Boston and Florida enter into an agreement—one that will not only tackle our rat problem but also give Florida a chance to finally kick those pythons to the curb.
The proposal? Simple.
SEND US YOUR PYTHONS!
That’s right, Florida. Put them snakes on a plane! We’ll take your pythons off your hands. No questions asked. We’ll gladly accept them at the end of spring, just in time for Boston’s hot and humid summer months. It’s like setting up a snake buffet right in the heart of the Boston rat kingdom. These pythons will go on a rampage, snatching up rats and taking care of one of our growing problems.
Now, you might ask, “What’s in it for Florida?” Well, in exchange for sending us their serpents, Florida gets to reclaim its Everglades and perhaps get some much needed good press.
It’s A Cold World
Wicked Cold. How can we be sure the pythons will do their job and not simply overstay their welcome? Well, let’s take a moment to appreciate the glory that is Boston winter. The cold, the frost, the polar vortex (as we so lovingly call it)—it’ll wipe out those pythons faster than you can say “I’m freezing my tail off.” By the time winter rolls around, the pythons will be gone. The rats, however, will be no more. We’ll all breathe easier, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll get to enjoy a rat-free Boston for at least a few months.
And yes, I’m aware there might be minor casualties along the way. Some small pets might go missing (sorry, Fido). Please, no one mention this to the animal rights folks. But hey, in the grand scheme of things, the circle of life will be restored, and Boston will finally have something to celebrate besides itself.
In Conclusion: A Common-Sense, if Slightly Terrifying, Proposal
So, Boston, let’s embrace this perfectly reasonable plan to import thousands of pythons, unleash them into our streets, and let them clean up our rat problem. Florida, we’ll take your pythons, and you can finally say goodbye to your slithery problems.
Most everyone is familiar with the lines of the poem “The New Colossus” by Emma Lazarus inscribed on the Statue of Liberty: “Give me your tired, your poor, / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”.
But for now, I’m going to change that to:
“SEND US YOUR PYTHONS!”
Someone queue the theme song “Ben” with Michael Jackson